....was the questioned asked on the Self Growth site I am a member of... and my answer was.....Me personally...? NO! Not anymore। I used to buy into the worlds facade, surface level, play acting, baloney. When I could no longer live in that shadow... it became life or death for me... I chose life, but not until after I chose death. I got a second chance... to rethink, to rearrange my life, my priorities. I gave away everything... everything that was ever "mine"- except a bit of clothing, shoes and books. I had beautiful, lovely things... I had worked like a dog all my life for those things. I had started w/nothing... barely 18 yrs old... pregnant and very alone. I never really thought I was going to be "anybody"... there was a seed inside me that knew I would, but from the outside in, life was bleak. I was too stupid, too fat, too ugly, too passionate, too sensitive and way too much of a trouble maker. You see, I liked to go against the current... I didn't believe "who" you were, what you looked like, what you had or what label you put on anything, had to do w/anything. What mattered to me was how deep inside your soul would you allow yourself... or anyone else, to go. How thin was your mask, was all I cared about. So it seemed, most of the world didn't work that way. It seemed to me, the thicker your mask, the better play acting you did, the more you were accepted. I really tried hard to play this game, to look like a winner to others, to feel like a winner inside. No matter what, I never felt I could win that battle, the current was too great... when you're swimming up stream... you can only do it for so long...you just become too pooped to paddle, especially when you are doing it all on your own. Well, I lost that battle, my facade became my shadow, I knew I was playing, I knew I became a fake, an imposter... I did not like what I saw in the mirror, my Self knew better. My Self always knew better... that little seed wanted to grow and flourish, it became my anxiety... not listening to my Self became uneasy, a dis-ease in my body. I was de-pressing my Self... I had numerous addictions... one after the other and all together. This play went on for years and years, but nobody really knew... my facade was "DOING GREAT!!" I was the one everyone turned to, how could I tell anyone "it is so dark in here... I am so afraid... I don't know how to get out... I don't know if I want to come out... maybe it isn't just a shadow... maybe it's all real... oh god... there is no hope. I could no longer take it, I was hurting my Self, I wasn't "good" for anyone around me.
I was "resurrected".... I fought the real battle this time... the one w/ my Self. The one that knew the truth all along... we are all the same, we are all perfect the way we are, we just make the mistake of listening to Ego- the one that tell us lies.... like, how great we could be if only we got/had.................................
Remember... you're perfect... you need no thing... your seed inside you is everything you need... just nurture it... allow it to thrive!
GasshÅ, (recognition of the oneness of all beings)
Juli
