Lifelong Struggles with Power and Surrender

I was talking with my dad the other day... I told him I remember when I was a teenager, he and I were standing in the kitchen talking about my relationship with my new boyfriend... and my dad said to me "Juli, you are like a bulldozer and some things just can't be bulldozed." My dad of course, doesn't remember saying that, but it stuck with me. I thought about it now and then through the years, but I always brushed it off... I didn't really get it... by then I was already deep in denial of everything in my life except feelings of emotional highs/lows, I had been an insane bulimic for two years by that time. I was way deep in hating myself... and the hate had begun at the age of 14... about the same time I broke up with my first boyfriend, my parents split up and I took on the role of my mothers "protector" and my sisters "mom"... it wasn't long before they treated me as if they couldn't stand me either... they didn't want "to be seen with me".... so life became just me and how I could prove I was worthy... the dance, how could I be "enough" /maybe I am enough/never quite being enough. Maybe that's when the bulldozing started, I don't know and I'm not going to analyze it. I thought it probably started in the womb... dad said I almost got my head shaved coming out (dad also said, when I was born I was so hairy he thought my mom had been fooling around in the zoo) I didn't wait for the doctor to deliver me, no episiotomy, just getting shaved and I ripped right through... I didn't even say "I'm sorry"... I'll have to do that... on my 48th birthday (about 2 mo. from now... God, I really love getting older) I'll send mom a "better late than never" card. So, you can see why I thought it began in the womb... I think coming into the world that way... could be considered "Bulldozing"! Ok, so here I am now, conscious of when I'm having my bouts and fits of pushing too hard. I don't always notice it raising up in me immediately, yet, it is obvious when the frustration kicks in. So, the balance for me comes in conscious awareness of living life in flow, sometimes pushing but, yet.... when I come to the moment the pushing feels like I hit a wall and I begin to struggle... it is time to surrender. I try to live my life mostly in the flow, surrendering to the presence... absolute trust Spirit, the universe is moving around and through me. I do not regret any of my life, I feel sad about some things... it took every one of my steps to get to where I am in this moment... and I very much love this life I live... I trust I can touch yours... because you will touch another's..... May you allow love to live through you... Your friend, Juli