Don't forget in the dark, what you saw in the light!

Yeah, yeah yeah......... You've heard it before.... and you will hear it again and again and again.... until you stop lying to yourself and begin to see who you really are. "When you see who you really are, you stop wasting your time. You stop wasting your time on things... on bad relationships... on pleasing people... your ego... and you become more focused on your purpose... on being" Stop pretending the life you are living isn't effecting you or those around you. Can you continue to pretend the thoughts and feelings in your body don't gnaw at you!? Your spirit begs you to act, to get back into balance. What we learned was a lie (just like our one time belief the world was flat... people said it was so... so it must be...) what we have been taught, conditioned to do, is cover over everything and we continue to do so because we want what we think is easier.... and we want it now! We believe we are a material thing, an inanimate object... like a table we can just throw around and destroy.... instead of a spiritual being whose very essence is light, honor, love and abundance. We don't do the "right" thing for ourselves, don't respect ourselves, yet... by God..... everyone else should!! Then we go around... once again, lying to ourselves (and everyone around us) complaining and feeling like we are a victim, that everything is "happening to us"..... we are literally de-pressing ourselves... depression isn't out there coming at us, we are creating it. We are abusing ourselves, pretending it is everyone else doing it so we don't have to take responsibility for our lives, so we actually have to do the work to change it. The truth is... it's a very good thing... from my perspective... you can actually do something about it.... isn't that what you say you want... "control over your own life!?" I am not here to tell you what to do or give you answers. I'm here to provide you with information, assist you, be your mirror and your mentor (maybe you need one, maybe you don't) I know you probably want something different for your life, you want to stop the madness, a circle of habits, you want to feel well, feel alive, feel inspired and have the energy to fulfill your purpose... your dreams.... and I'm here to tell you - if you want it, you are willing to do what it takes.... it will be! You can say to yourself "oh, sure... it's easy for her to say... she hasn't.... felt this... gone thru that, been thru what I've been thru... I'm special... no one can understand me, my circumstances, what I've been thru... going thru...." but you would be wrong! I've said and thought the same thing. It's just another lie, another excuse of why you can't, won't, don't do what you know you need to and truly want for your life... just another excuse why you live half-ass... you get what you give in this life and there is no way around it! Yeah, "my story" - I've been to the bottom, I've been to hell... a good part of my life, matter of fact... (I had many days that looked good) and sometimes it took more than I thought I had in me, more than I thought I should have to have, to be where I am today! Many days I wasn't sure it mattered if I pulled myself up anymore... the voices I heard were not generally encouraging.... they were.... so opinionated... so judgmental... snobs... with their noses in the air... (although, obvious to me now... they weren't feeling up to par either, but instead of feeling love and compassion they were competitive and vicious) "we're going to be someone... but you... there is something wrong w/you... you're never going to make it, you're not smart enough, look good enough, you're too loud, too bold, too emotional... too embarrassing... so just stay in your box or get your shit together - go get fixed for godsakes... and until then we don't want to have anything to do w/you!" There are "pros and cons" to this story, that was "my life"... the sad thing is that I grew up believing this was love, leave people behind if they do something you don't think is "right"... I never learned to be part of a team... I felt I was completely on my own... that no one "had my back," that everyone was a competitor... everyone else's opinion was more important than mine... (if you don't agree, you're done) and the rest of the time.... pretend as if none of this is happening... elephant!? What elephant!? There is no fucking elephant in this room, we don't know what you're talking about, you're just crazy!!! The Pros... I have benefited from it!! I have a strength now that can't be broken... I have a passion, a love... I call it magic... that no one, no thing can take away! I am passionate & compassionate... the very things the voices didn't like about me are my very best qualities... the things I really like about me - the things most people like in me... it's ok to be me, there really isn't anything wrong with me.... just like there isn't w/you - maybe there are unhealthy habits and behaviors - work on changing those and keep the others. I don't pretend I don't feel something in my body anymore... or cover over it, I will touch on subjects with people that others won't, I have learned to trust myself... trust the universal energies - God - whatever you happen to call it, I can listen to my intuition and have the courage to go against the crowd when it is important to me - if I don't like a path, I won't follow it - I create one, I can stand alone yet like to work as a team, I encourage others to be their self, trust themselves and no matter what they dream I am behind it all the way... nothing is impossible - no matter what the voices say! I was a good mommy (except for a brief period when I lost compete faith in myself - she lost faith in me too, although I understand - that is - fucking hard - that was #1 to me) I held her... talked with her... called her sweetheart (she couldn't say sweetheart when she was little - so she said feetheart) I made sure my daughter believed in herself, had trust in herself, that she was an important, intelligent person that made wise decisions and that absolutely... without a doubt... I believed in her - I "had her back"! That I supported her decisions. That she is a light in this world!! AND...... I have become a very good CHEERLEADER!! The Cons.... well.... a little more time then I would have preferred in my "suffering role" before I fell flat on my face. However, I did wake-up, was "resurrected" - it was the worst, yet greatest moment of my life! So, baby...... let's keep your pilot lit.... you/we need your light!! Your friend, Juli